sister christian is always good for when you need to get going in the morning
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the act of looking
we talk a lot about looking, viewership, spectatorship, and “the gaze” in my classes.
looking at this takes real work though.
new theme
it’s a picture blog. cuz i got a camera! woo.
let it fall
apparently the words are “so i weep” not “so happy.”
puts a very different spin on the song, but it got me through this morning and i still dig it. a lot.
consequences
i now sit alone in a basement space. it is pretty drab and the few attempts to make it cheerful and inviting just serve to make it seem sadder. that may just be my own intimate knowledge of this space. the dreams that are sold and lost here. there are young kids playing outside and it is crushing me. i know what the future most likely holds for them, the battles they must fight just to live, grow, and be.
i am a week away from having lived for 28 years. theses days it gets hard not to take stock of the choices i’ve made. it is proving difficult to try to find a solution to my educational expenses for the fall. expenses that i have solely because i finish enough classes over past school year. there is a part of me that will not stop berating myself. realistically, could i have put more work in? no, not in the fall. in the spring? maybe. but does it matter? no, what’s done is done and i need to focus on getting the funds, so i can saunter across that undergraduate finish line with the appropriate aplomb.
so yes, i have let this dreary basement and the dreary people who work in it get to me. so much so, that at the beginning of my service here i could barely put in a six hour day. now, i’m about 16 hours behind in my scheduled service hours. to make that up, plus the 42 hours i week i need to stay on track, it’ll be 10 hour days from here on out.
ah, challenges. we all face them, and we are all forced to make decisions to get over, under, over through them. of course the consequences of those decisions will present us with new challenges. that’s the bulk of what it means to be alive. or rather that is where the growth comes from from, and probably any enjoyment one would get from being. so pluckiness and perseverance are the words of the day.
i get it, i get it. i just wish someone would tell it to those kids outside. or better yet, to the adults who work inside.
over it
i just quit facebook. yay.
a slayer puts the week in perspective
“i’m not that good at taking care of myself.” – lily
“it gets easier. takes practice.” – buffy
cleanse day 6 – breaking the fast
it is over. officially at 7:10 this evening, reeses pieces and sun chips. reeses pieces because we watched E.T. in class and my professor brought some for everyone. sun chips because i wanted to. this is the exact opposite of what they tell you to do when coming off the cleanse, but they also tell you to do it for a minimum of 10 days.
i don’t want to rationalize here. i didn’t complete the cleanse.
i did realize that this isn’t the cleanse for me. i did make it a full four days longer than the last attempt. i did write in this blog for six days in a row.
most importantly i was forced to acknowledge some things about myself. i have a persistent sense that i’ve never accomplished anything, so i look for quick successes. but i don’t need them as much i need to slow and take stock and give myself a pat on the back every once in a while.
here’s where i do that. “ladycakes, you’re doing really well. you’ve accomplished those 3 things you set out to do for summer. you don’t need to deny yourself the things you love to prove you are strong. by the way congratulations on getting an A in your art class! isn’t ladycakes the best word ever?”
and i didn’t even qualify it. ha! thanks cleanse, but now i must say good bye.
cleanse day 5
kinda sucks. need to force myself to drink more water.
looked back through the blog here and realized that i achieved my one new years resolution. i’ve got a cozy little sanctuary here. complete with temple cats.
