consequences

i now sit alone in a basement space. it is pretty drab and the few attempts to make it cheerful and inviting just serve to make it seem sadder. that may just be my own intimate knowledge of this space. the dreams that are sold and lost here. there are young kids playing outside and it is crushing me. i know what the future most likely holds for them, the battles they must fight just to live, grow, and be.

i am a week away from having lived for 28 years. theses days it gets hard not to take stock of the choices i’ve made. it is proving difficult to try to find a solution to my educational expenses for the fall. expenses that i have solely because i finish enough classes over past school year. there is a part of me that will not stop berating myself. realistically, could i have put more work in? no, not in the fall. in the spring? maybe. but does it matter? no, what’s done is done and i need to focus on getting the funds, so i can saunter across that undergraduate finish line with the appropriate aplomb.

so yes, i have let this dreary basement and the dreary people who work in it get to me. so much so, that at the beginning of my service here i could barely put in a six hour day. now, i’m about 16 hours behind in my scheduled service hours. to make that up, plus the 42 hours i week i need to stay on track, it’ll be 10 hour days from here on out.

ah, challenges. we all face them, and we are all forced to make decisions to get over, under, over through them. of course the consequences of those decisions will present us with new challenges. that’s the bulk of what it means to be alive. or rather that is where the growth comes from from, and probably any enjoyment one would get from being. so pluckiness and perseverance are the words of the day.

i get it, i get it. i just wish someone would tell it to those kids outside. or better yet, to the adults who work inside.